Confessions of a Bad Person

• I recently was pulling giant vine roots up from our backyard when the time came to go inside and bathe the children. Wifey was out on an errand, and it's normally a fun time for everybody, so this was a good thing. I was pretty dirty from my outdoor labors. I washed my hands, but upon inspection they weren't really "clean" in the literal sense. Should I continue to scrub vigorously so that my precious children have clean hands bathing them? The decision: there is soap involved, so just toss the kids in the tub and we'll all scrub clean together. Not like the kids care, judging by the things of questionable nutritional value that they try to eat when outside.
• I play basketball sometimes with the boy across the street. Matt is about 12 years old, and not particularly good at basketball. He constantly asks me to play, and I do like to oblige sometimes because his own father is pretty sick and definitely is not going to play any basketball any time soon. Normally, I let Matt hang in there, or even get a lead, before "squeaking" out a close victory. The other day, though, he got pretty cocky, and jacked me in the face while I was driving to the hoop. The hit was accidental, for the record, but it's happened a few times before. Now fully motivated, I ripped off about 8 straight points (game to 13 by 1's) and finished the game with a dunk. Of course, this was possible because Matt often lowers his roadside hoop to 7-8 feet from the regulation 10 feet. Still, I dribbled by him, had a clear path to the hoop, and put down a double-clutch, two-handed, thundering, nasty, this-is-how-75-pounds-of-bodyweight-and-10-inches-of-height-bigger-than-you-gets-down. I've never gotten to do that in any sort of game, so it was fun. And Matt got to play basketball, which was good. And he was pretty tired, so I really think he wanted the game to be done. Still, I think my apartment in heaven may have gotten knocked down from a 1 bedroom to a studio for the evil way that I enjoyed winning that game